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2016 In Review

I can't help it -despite barely writing this year, despite everything, I still kind of like doing this Year In Review thing. The urge to document overcomes. I've deleted or altered questions from past years, because some of them just don't apply or I'm sick of them.

1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?

I ran the 10K of the A Christmas Story Race in Cleveland and dressed up as the Leg Lamp. I should add that the impetus for this crazy weekend jaunt to Cleveland was to meet friends that I had only previously known on the internets. Our original connection was the Hogwarts Running Club, a virtual Facebook based Harry Potter themed running club, of all the awesomely nerdy things, and it was 1000% worth it to take the leap and spend a weekend meeting these amazing, incredible, irreverent, funny people who make me laugh every damn day. 

My Leg Lamp costume

Most of the crew on our tour of the A Christmas Story house, which is INTERACTIVE and totally worth a visit. 

 2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I should change this question. I say this every year, yet it remains, ha! I do not do New Year's resolutions. I did have some goals, which I knocked the fuck out of the park, thank you very much. My first goal was to run 1000 kilometers in 2016 (621 miles). Thanks to marathon training, I kicked that goal's ass back in October. My secondary mileage goal was to see how close I could get to 1,000 miles. I am at 898 today, and will pass 900 by the time the New Year rolls in. That's pretty damn good, considering I had six full weeks that I could not run due to surgeries, and I just generally felt Not Right for the first 5 months of the year due to scalp reconstruction bullshit. My next big goal was to run the Marine Corps Marathon. I got in via lottery back in March, and was elated and terrified at the same time. My training had a rough-ish start, as I hadn't run mileage like that in several years, and it was record heat & humidity on the East Coast. I spent several weeks feeling sore, tired, and disheartened. But I got stronger, the weather cooled off, and I was feeling really good about 3 weeks out from the marathon. Then I got pretty sick with a horrible respiratory virus that turned into a sinus infection, and let me tell you, frantically calling your doctor to get antibiotics two days before your marathon is not at all ideal. It also ended up being stupidly hot (high of EIGHTY) on the Oct. 30 marathon date. So. It wasn't pretty, and I wanted to cry and quit, but I did it anyway. Along the way to the marathon, I ran two half marathons, and had a really great time. For 2017, I want to run more half marathons, improve my time (2:10 would be amazing, and I think it's possible), and kill that 1000 mile goal. And have FUN. I've gotten to a point that I feel pretty fit, and feel really confident in my running again, and I don't want to let that go, because it feels great. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! My beloved friend Jennifer gave birth to a baby boy a couple of weeks ago. Her infertility story is long and heartbreaking, and she is such an optimistic, resilient, unsinkable friend. I wanted Jennifer to have a baby, so badly. I wished (right here on this blog) that I could be a surrogate for her. And guess what - a new opinion from a new doctor, a relatively simple surgery (after many others, I should note) and she was able to get pregnant. I am over the MOON for her, and hey, be right back, I need to go shower her and that baby with more presents. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?  No. 2016 only killed my youth, taking down David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Glenn Frey, Harper Lee, Pat Conroy, Prince, Leonard Cohen, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, John Glenn, George Michael, and Carrie Fisher, among many others. Reading a list of all the artists and minds the world lost in 2016 is really, really, really depressing. 

5. Where did you travel? Always to Martha's Vineyard a couple of times during the summer. Cleveland, for the A Christmas Story Run, so it was actually way more exciting than it sounds. A fantastic weekend at my friend Janine's house in western Massachusetts in October. It was not a year for traveling. Hoping next year will be better on that front, and that it's not because we flee the Trump regime for Australia. 

 6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you didn't have in 2016? Here's what I wrote last year, and still true: "Far fewer doctors' visits and medical nonsense." The first half of 2016 just fucking sucked because I went through 5 months of scalp surgery and reconstruction, and it was so, so miserable. My sick leave & annual leave balance are depleted, and I need a long, boring stretch of time where no one is sick and everything is boring and pleasant. The second half of 2016 was good on that front, so I just need to keep that up. 

 7. What dates from 2016 will be etched upon your memory and why? First the bad: Waking up on Nov. 9, 2016 and realizing that Donald Trump was the president-elect. I sobbed in bed. I could barely function for days. I've recovered, and I want to fight, but I am still scared as hell. Now, the good: making my dead, cramping legs run up the last hill to the Iwo Jima Marine Corps Memorial and crossing the finish line of the Marine Corps Marathon. 

 8. What was your biggest achievement of this year? Training for and finishing the Marine Corps Marathon. 

9 . Did you suffer illness or injury? Oy. This fucking question. I spent the first 5 months of the year undergoing 2 surgeries and weeks and weeks of tissue expanders under my scalp to finally put all the hairs back where they belong on my head. It was wretched and horrible and miserable, and I would like to pretend it never happened and keep moving forward. 

 10. What was the best thing you bought? Race entries. I hadn't raced much in several years, and I did 5 races this year, and can't wait to do more next year. 

 11. Whose behavior merited celebration? Hillary Clinton, after she lost the presidential election. Class act. 

 12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  The more than 50% of women who voted for Donald Trump. No, sweeties, no. 

 13. Where did most of your money go? Probably mortgage. 

 14. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to Cleveland for this crazy race to meet crazy, awesome people. Worth every penny. 

 15. What song will always remind you of 2016? The whole Hamilton Original Cast Recording, and the Hamilton Mixtape. If you want individual songs, I guess my two favorites are Yorktown on the OCR, and My Shot on the Mixtape. 

 16. Compared to this time last year, are you (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? Mostly happier. Last year, I was staring down the barrel of my first scalp surgery. This year I have the impending Trump administration casting a pall over everything. But other than that, I have had a pretty awesome time in the latter half of 2016. I am probably thinner, definitely motherfucking STRONGER. Probably richer monetarily, though I don't keep track of our specific investments. Richer in my heart because of all the amazing people that I got to know this year. 

 17. What do you wish you'd done more of? Traveling. Seeing my best friends.

 18. What do you wish you'd done less of? Spend time dealing with medical crap.

 19. How did you spend Christmas? At our house, with my in-laws visiting. Our former nanny and de facto family member Janine also came over. We ordered Chinese, per our tradition, paying homage to Jewish "Christmas." I also made a roast chicken, an eggnog cheesecake, and some other stuff, because I wanted to. We drank mimosas all the live long day, ate like crazy, watched the kids play with their toys, played board games & card games, sat around, topped the day off with a viewing of Home Alone, and a last drink. It was a Good Day. 

 20. What was your favorite TV program? Stranger Things. I cannot WAIT for the next season. 

 21. What was the best thing you learned? That I can still get my 43 year old ass into shape and even get faster. 

 22. What was the best book you read? I read a fair amount of not-deep stuff this year. I needed to escape. My two favorites were the Throne of Glass series by Sarah Maas, and The Scorpio Races by Maggie Steifvater (author of the Raven Boys series). 

 23. What was your greatest food discovery? Pineapple and Pearls, a restaurant that I cannot believe is in our neighborhood. I have a fangirl crush on chef Aaron Silverman. I got to watch him at work at his other restaurant, Rose's Luxury, and I am in awe. P&P was definitely in the top three dining experiences of my life, perhaps top two. 

 24. What did you want and get? To train for and run Marine Corps Marathon.  

25. What did you want and not get? A tropical resort vacation. Hopefully on tap for 2017. 

 26. What was your favorite film of 2016? I never go to movies in the theater. I just saw Rogue One, and loved it, so I guess I'll say that. 

 27. What was your best musical discovery of 2016? HAMILTON. Kicking myself for not being on that bandwagon sooner. In love, worshiping at the altar of Lin Manuel Miranda. Finally got tickets for June 2017. CANNOT WAIT.

 28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Forty THREE. Jeez. I really don't recall what I did. I was not in a good state of mind in February. 

29. What kept you sane? Running. My pocket friends on Twitter and Facebook. 

 30. Who did you miss? I always miss my best friend, and college roommate, Becki. She really needs to live next door.

31. Who was the best new person you met? The incredible people that I met via the Hogwarts Running Club who have become true friends, and who make me laugh every day. 

 32. What was a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016? If your flight is cancelled, do not hesitate for a hot second. Rebook IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. 

33. What are some of your favorite photos from the year? 

 

 

So, this happened too

We unexpectedly got a new car a few weeks ago. Well, "new" in the sense of "hand me down car from my in-laws" new. They wanted to upgrade to a newer car that had some fancy collision avoidance technology, because they are getting older, and my MIL worries about all the things. So, out of nowhere, they offered us their 7-year old Toyota Highlander Hybrid. Of course we said yes. It's in great condition, and has all the bells and whistles, and oh my god, no looking a gift car in the mouth. My in-laws are so generous. They're just great.

It solved some problems. We need two cars just often enough that we have been holding on to my 1998 Jeep Cherokee until it just cost too much to repair. I thought it was a goner about a year ago, and preemptively bought a Zipcar membership, and hunted online for the lightest, most portable carseats in existence. But the problem turned out to be fairly cheap and easy to fix, and it continued puttering along. So we didn't have to make the "can we do this with just one car" call yet. And voila! Gift car.

Well, obviously we didn't need THREE cars, so it was time to say goodbye to the Cherokee. I did what I have always wanted to do and donated it to NPR through the Car Talk car donation program. Seriously, it made me really happy to get e-mails from Car Talk thanking me for my donation.

My only gripe was that it took longer than I thought was necessary to schedule the pickup of the car. But the Car Talk people were SO helpful and nice when I called; it seemed there was some blip in their system that indicated the car had already been picked up, but they fixed it and got a tow truck to us the next day.

Of course, I took the obligatory artsy goodbye photos of my beloved Jeep. I loved that car. It was the first (and only) new car I have ever had. I did hours of online research on Edmund's, decided which car I wanted, scouted all the prices, printed out lists of options (I knew to the dollar how much each extra option cost). In August 1998, a few days after I took the Massachusetts bar exam, I walked into a Jeep dealership in Belmont, MA and said I wanted to buy a car. I ended up talking to the general manager, who did a quick search for the model I wanted. He told me "There is one car in all of New England in that model that has all the options you want. It's in Connecticut. I can try to get it from that other dealer, but if I do that, I need your commitment to buy the car." I said,"What color is it?" "Black." "I'll take it." We fixed a price, with the trade in of my old Toyota pickup truck. I remember my heart pounding as I took the VERY LARGE cashier's check from the bank, terrified that I'd lose it before I could pay for the car. A few days later, I was the owner of a brand new 1998 Jeep Cherokee 4WD Sport, black, standard transmission. I picked it up from the dealer, and the next day, I packed it up and drove it to Tampa, Florida where my Federal judicial clerkship was waiting for me.

That car took me up and down the East coast for nearly 18 years, traversing every state between Florida and Vermont. It bore New Mexico, Florida, Maryland, and DC plates. There was a memorable road trip where I filled it with Ultimate Frisbee players and drove to Ohio's famed Poultry Days tournament, listening to This American Life episodes that a friend had burned on a disc for me. It got me in and out of the neighborhood in all the blizzards. It carried my newborn babies in its backseat. It only sometimes didn't start; it was a city car, not getting driven that much at times, which is hard on batteries. When the batteries were good, it always ran perfectly. I loved the roar of its inline 6 cylinder engine, and the power of shifting gears. I could parallel park it on a dime. I can't even count all the times it was broken into; dumbass kids always tried to steal it, and they never succeeded. It went to every playing field in the greater DC area for countless Ultimate Frisbee games. It waited for me at the end of every long run on the Mt. Vernon Trail and the C&O towpath. It carried a lot of Ikea furniture. It was stained with sweat, smoothies, coffee, and ground-in Goldfish crackers. It was my car; it was me, in car form. Seth never drove it, because it was a stick. It was mine, only mine.

License plate held on with pieces of coat hanger wire, because I am classy.

But it was time to say goodbye. We had a good run, Jeep.

Ajax, of course, LOVED seeing the tow truck come and put the Jeep on the flatbed. He talked about it for days. And then would ask where my car was. Aww, buddy, I miss it too.

Seth and I started our marriage with cars that were distinctly our own: his Honda Civic; my Jeep Cherokee. We really never drove each others' cars. His Honda gave up the ghost after 18 years of faithful service, and we bought our Honda Accord, which became not so much his, as ours. But my Jeep was still solidly mine. Now, it's gone, and we have this Toyota Highlander that seems pretty seriously like a "parent car" with its roomy interior, leather seats, backup camera, third row seat for extra kids. And it's "ours." It's just "the Toyota" instead of "my car." I feel a little lost, like I'm driving my mom's car. I guess this is the time of life for "us" and "ours" and "together" and "family" and maybe someday, someday if I am lucky, I will again have a new car that is mine, just mine.

Miss you, my trusty Jeep. Travel well.

It's been a hell of a year already

This year has been a hell of a slog so far. I am now damn determined that it is going to go nowhere but UP.

On Monday, May 9, 2016, I finally, FINALLY had long-awaited surgery on my scalp to remove two Red Delicious apple-sized tissue expanders, excise the scars & bald spots, and move the scalp tissue around so there would be hair on my whole head. I had those damn things in my head for four full months. FOUR. MONTHS. Four months of ugly, four months of discomfort, four months of hats. But it is OVER.

And by all accounts, everyone rocked the surgery. It went well, I wasn't in much pain, it's now healing perfectly. I got the staples out yesterday, and I have a new staple PR of FORTY ONE! 41! Beating my old PR of 40 by one mere staple.

My kickass surgeon and his 5th year surgical resident made every effort not to shave any hair from my head. You guys. This is crazy. They painstakingly worked around and through all my hair, cutting and stapling, so that I wouldn't have to endure the months and months of my hair growing back in. I can't believe they did it, and I can't even imagine what a pain in the ass it was. I was fully prepared to put up with the chick fuzz growing back in, and more damn headbands, and getting a supershort haircut as soon as I could. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO.

Instead, I have a HAIRCUT AND COLOR scheduled for June 1. JUNE FIRST. For the first time in a YEAR AND A HALF I have HAIR ON MY WHOLE HEAD and I can just GO GET A HAIRCUT AND COLOR like a normal person. I could just cry. It is so amazing. My incredible hairdresser has been trimming my hair up for the last year and a half, coming in early to meet me before anyone else was in the salon. He never flinched, even when my head was at its ugliest. He is the best, and I will be bringing him a fancy bottle of German eiswein to thank him.

And then I will take new selfies and put new avatars everywhere, because PRIORITIES.

The relief of all this is enormous.

This sounds odd, but I can wear all my clothes again! Let me explain. When you have to start every day burdened with a big fat headband as one of your major accessories, it limits the rest of your wardrobe. Everything has to rotate around the headband. Plain black headbands made me look like a nun. White ones looked weird not in warm weather. Printed/colored ones required finding something that didn't clash. I basically haven't worn a bright color or a print in a year and a half because the damn headbands looked awful with them. I wore a lot of black and gray. Depressing. Now, nothing is off limits.

I'm still wearing some baseball caps right now, because I have to put antibiotic cream on the healing incisions, and my hair is goopy and greasy and alarmingly gray and about 17 different scraggly lengths. But I could technically go without one. (HAIRCUT SOON!)

I just feel like I can finally come back to MYSELF again.

I ran as much as I reasonably could through the last four months. I can resume some exercise already, and I am ready to go, to run further and further past all of this every day, to run towards my two big race goals for the year - the Navy Half Marathon in September, and the Marine Corps Marathon in October. 

My spine has been killing me, because I had nearly two extra pounds on my head, and not symmetrically located. I could really only sleep on my right side. I couldn't lie down flat. I couldn't lean my head back on the headrest in the car, or the high back of a chair. My whole core is really out of whack. I am dying to get to the chiropractor and the massage therapist. I am ready to tune up my whole body so that I feel GOOD.

I am ready to go, without limits.

 

"...I need no introduction/When you knock me down/I get the fuck back up again."

                                            -Hercules Mulligan, "Hamilton"

Light at the end of the tunnel

I haven't felt like posting here over the last few months. I had surgery on my head on Jan. 11 to insert two tissue expanders under my scalp as part of the reconstruction of said scalp to repair the big bald spots/scars from my December 2014 runner-car accident. It's been about as miserable as you can imagine, and I've felt like I had only one awful, off-key piano note to hit, over and over, a note that I don't want to hear, don't want to talk about. So, I haven't. Not much. I've tweeted about it a bit, to my lovely, amazing, sympathetic, delightful, sweet pocket friends. Even there, I was sick of talking about it. Sick of this terrible holding pattern, sick of this waiting, waiting to land and move ON from this.

Most patients have tissue expanders in for about three months. I am just a few days shy of that three month time period. For the last 2 months, I have gone to my surgeon every Tuesday to have more saline injected into the expanders, to slowly stretch out the scalp tissue until there's enough to move around and fix all the scars and bald spots. Every week, I ask "how much longer?" Every week, my surgeon hasn't given me a concrete answer. It's terrible to not have an end date. But yesterday, finally, FINALLY, he said that we're getting to the end. He did some measurements of the godawful expander bumps on my head (I don't even have goose eggs - what's a couple sizes up from goose? Emu?). He said we'd check in next Tuesday, and schedule surgery. Surgery happens 2 weeks after the last saline infusion, so if next week is the last, two weeks from then, about 3 weeks from today. THREE WEEKS FROM TODAY. About. Oh my god, there is an END IN SIGHT.

There is an end in sight for this awful waiting, stasis, holding pattern, circle of purgatory. Three months of pain, discomfort, lumpiness, hats, weirdness, self-consciousness. I've worked at home, because I just couldn't face being in the office. I had thought I'd be able to go in after the surgery, but woefully underestimated how terrible I was going to feel for over a week after the surgery, and how lumpy my head would already be from the expanders. I had to wear hats immediately, which I just can't stomach as legal professional wear, couldn't stand the idea of everyone looking at my head, and it's only gotten worse. My head is not symmetrical, and the hats sit and bulge funny, and no. Just no. I can stand going out in public in anonymity, but it's so much worse to be around people I know.

Anyhow, I'm just a TINY BIT stir crazy. I've kept up with running, and I make myself leave the house for errands and lunch, and I've even met some of my amazing Twitter friends for lunch. But the days that I get the saline in are Bad Days. Where I'm in pain from the pressure on my skull, where I'm unhappy and anxious, where my fuse is short, so short, and I just need to go to bed.

I know this second surgery is going to be awful. Waking up from it will be horrible. There will be pain, and too many pills to take, and just sheer terribleness for about a week. I won't be able to run for at least three weeks. But these THINGS will be OUT of my head. Gone. My head patched back together. I don't know how much hair will have to get shaved, but hopefully the vast majority of my head will be covered with hair that *will* grow back. It will be over, and I can move truly forward, truly away from that damn accident, that last physical vestige erased. 

I fantasize about real haircuts. I dream of going without a hat, without a headband. I've succeeded in not thinking about the accident every time I go for a run. We didn't go anywhere for spring break this year, because we couldn't plan, not knowing when I'd have surgery, and because I couldn't face pools or beaches or anything like that. So I dream of summer. Of cutting my hair super short when it's grown out enough. Of just being able to lie down on the back of my head, on the left side of my head. Small things, but huge things. Showering in a public locker room. Getting a massage. Running. SUMMER. The beach. The pool. SUN. Freedom. Running past all of this. Not being so angry. Coming back to being myself.

It's almost here. So close. I can taste it, feel it, sun on my head, wind blowing through my hair.

2015 In Review

I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this list this year. I usually enjoy it, but 2015 was Not My Favorite. Still, the urge to document overcomes. I've deleted or altered questions from past years, because some of them just don't apply or I'm sick of them.

1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

I committed to, and completed a 37-day running streak. I ran 1 mile or more every single day from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day. And I'm still going!

 2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I should change this question. I do not do New Year's resolutions. I did have some goals, and I did set more for 2016. I attempted to run 1000 kilometers (621 miles) in 2015. I made it to 479, which is about 77% of the way there, and which is pretty good, since my first mile of the year wasn't until March 22, and I wasn't even close to normal-ish mileage until May. Shooting for the 1000K again in 2016!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  No.

5. Where did you travel? Disney World. Vermont for my college reunion. Alliance, Nebraska (for work). Martha's Vineyard.

 6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you didn't have in 2015? Far fewer doctors' visits and medical nonsense.

 7. What dates from 2015 will be etched upon your memory and why? January 16-the day I was allowed to toss the goddamn crutches and walk upon my own two feet again. March 22 - my first run of the year, barely one mile of run-walk intervals, but a RUN. One perfect day with Helene in September. 

 8. What was your biggest achievement of this year? Logging 479 running miles despite everything.

9 . Did you suffer illness or injury? I want to avoid this question, but I'm going to take it on. At the beginning of the year, I was still recovering from being struck by a car in December 2014. My scalp was a mess, I couldn't walk yet. Once I was back on my feet, I had to have a skin graft to make my head heal up. I tweaked some soft tissue in my foot in July, and had to take a couple of weeks off from running. I rolled my ankle on a $%#! toy car in September and had to lay off of running AGAIN. I decided to have eye surgery in September to remove a cataract that had formed in my (crappy, for shit) left eye. Because I am so appallingly nearsighted, I had to have a consult with a retinal specialist, which involved laser reinforcement of tears to my retina prior to surgery, which I hope I never have to do again. The cataract surgery was...not as easy as I thought it would be, but it's done. Calcifications were found on a routine mammogram that required me to have a biopsy. (ALL BENIGN!) Around the same time as THAT nonsense, I woke up one morning with my lower legs and feet numb and tingling. Much bloodwork and ill advised Dr. Googling later (I diagnosed myself with compartment syndrome, MS, and a brain tumor) it turned out I had low Vitamin D levels. 3000+ IU of Vitamin D3 per day later, numbness, tingling, fatigue, joint aches, all gone. So, fuck this fucking year. I hate doctors. Except my new primary care dr. who figured out the low Vitamin D. She can stay.

 10. What was the best thing you bought? Plane tickets to my college reunion.

 11. Whose behavior merited celebration? My in laws. They are amazing. I'm sure I don't thank them enough. I can't possibly. They have been HERE for us every time we needed them.

 12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  Eh. Too many people. The NRA leadership comes to the forefront. It's too exhausting to document any more. I'd rather spend my energy fighting them. 

 13. Where did most of your money go? I am not the CFO of this operation (that's my husband), but probably childcare & mortgage.

 14. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My 20-year college reunion. Totally lived up to the hype.

 15. What song will always remind you of 2015? Taylor Swift's whole 1989 album. Katy Perry's "Firework." Jesus, who am I, listening to these pop princess girls?

 16. Compared to this time last year, are you (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? Happier, STRONGER (I was skinny & sad last year due to lost muscle mass & days in the hospital eating nothing but narcotics. Do not recommend as a weight loss plan.), richer in all ways.

 17. What do you wish you'd done more of? Running.

 18. What do you wish you'd done less of? Spend time dealing with medical crap.

 19. How did you spend Christmas? In a most relaxed fashion, at home. Just us, and our beloved nanny, Janine, who is also our dear friend. She didn't have any plans, so she came over for the day. We opened all the presents. I ran, then made buttermilk waffles and bacon. We opened the mimosa bar before noon, and ordered too much great Chinese food and dim sum from Tony Cheng's (homage to Seth's "Jewish Christmas"). The kids never got out of their pajamas. We watched three Christmas movies in a row - Elf, Home Alone, and A Christmas Story. I'd never seen Elf - unthinkable, I know. I felt like eggs for dinner, so I made scrambled eggs for everyone. It was so relaxed and stress free.

 20. What was your favorite TV program? Game of Thrones. It's probably the only one I watched. Oh, I did see Mad Men too. I just don't watch TV.

 21. What was the best thing you learned? That awkwarding is the thing that brings us all together. Seriously, if I need cheering up, I just read this Bloggess post. http://thebloggess.com/2015/11/awkwarding-is-what-brings-us-all-together/

 22. What was the best book you read? Hoo boy. Always tough. "Kitchens of the Great Midwest." The Raven Boys series. "All The Light We Cannot See." "We Were Liars." All of those stand out.

 23. What was your greatest food discovery? I had a lot of fun with Blue Apron meals this year. We'd gotten a gift certificate for it, and gave it a try. Now, I order them when I feel like I'm in a meal planning rut. The kids don't usually eat it, but whatever, more for me.

 24. What did you want and get? To get back into running shape. 

25. What did you want and not get? To be DONE with all the scalp surgery/reconstruction/remnants of the stupid accident. Surgery on Jan. 11 to get that ball rolling.

 26. What was your favorite film of 2015? Here is what I saw in a movie theater - Star Wars, The Force Awakens. Which was AWESOME, and I can't wait to see it again. As for non theater movies, I'd have to say Big Hero Six. Yes, I'm ten years old.

 27. What was your best musical discovery of 2015? Taylor Swift for sure. I can't even believe how much I like 1989. It is so freaking good.

 28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Forty fucking two. The answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything. I made my own peanut butter chocolate birthday cake with some kid help, and got pretty presents and delicious food.

29. What kept you sane? Twitter, and my amazing friends there. So many times, all the time.

 30. Who did you miss? I always miss my best friend, and college roommate, Becki. She really needs to live next door.

31. Who was the best new person you met? All the amazing people that I got to know on Twitter this year. Really, all of you.

 32. What was a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015? I think I have a pretty good handle now on what child injuries require a visit to the ER and stitches.

33. What are some of your favorite photos from the year? These are everything, right here.

 

 

Halloween 2015

(Let's pretend Halloween wasn't almost 2 weeks ago. I always do a Halloween post, and dammit, here's another one, better late than never, right?)

Another great Halloween in the books. I love Halloween in general, and I really love Halloween in our neighborhood. I've written about it many times before, how so many people decorate their houses, sit out on their stoops and hand out candy, and how the whole neighborhood is out in costume walking around. We decorate our house and yard to the nines; Helene and I try to add something new each year.

This year, after some initial costume indecision, we ended up with a Hermione and a Superman.

(Helene is the absolute most uncooperative for photos right now. At least Ajax is cute.)

Helene was going to be an Enderdragon from Minecraft, and I'd already made most of the costume. But we've been reading the Harry Potter books aloud to her, and when I suggested she go as Hermione for Storybook Character Day at school, she fell completely in love with the idea, and wanted to be Hermione for Halloween too. As a certified Harry Potter fan, and a member of the Hogwarts Running Club, I had no basis to say no.

Ajax initially wanted to be a skeleton. We went through pages of costumes online, and he kept coming back to skeleton, and told all his friends he was going to be a skeleton. But when the costume arrived, he was actually scared of it, and I may be a terrible mother, but I do draw the line at forcing my child to wear a costume he's terrified of, so we tried again. "SUPERHERO!" he said, and lo, he was Superman.

Seth's parents came into town, so for once, we could leave someone to man the front door and candy bowl, and both of us could go out with the kids to trick or treat. We made plans for our friends Maria and Peter and their dad, Dan, to come over and trick or treat with us.

We usually start out while it's still a bit light out, to get photos, and see our neighbors. Ajax is still little, so I wanted him to get out before things got darker and scarier and busier. Our neighborhood is a trick or treating favorite. Some houses get as many as 1,400 kids (that is not a typo). Big houses on East Capitol Street decorate elaborately, with ghosts on pulleys, dramas on balconies, music, smoke, lights. It's pretty amazing.

And this is Ajax, sitting on the sidewalk, and refusing to go up to a house where our neighbor was dressed as The Incredible Hulk, and sitting on the front stoop. Too scary.

Don't worry- Ajax and the other kids got PLENTY of candy. Ajax insisted on carrying his jack o'lantern bucket almost the entire way, even when it was so obviously too heavy and hurting his hand. Even when he was ready to go home, he still didn't let me carry his bucket until the last couple of blocks.

Ajax and I came home, and he examined his haul. He didn't want to take off his Superman costume.

The rest of the troops got back a little later, and we fed everyone quesadillas, guacamole, and butternut squash soup, and we all took turns handing out candy.

We've done enough Halloweens with our own kids that we're getting to the "this is what we always do" stage. I love it. I love having our own traditions. One of ours has become sitting on our front stoop with our neighbors handing out candy after all of our kids are done trick or treating. The kids seem to have just as much fun handing out candy as getting it, honestly. We know so many of our neighbors now, and it's so much fun to see everyone out on Halloween. Our friend Dan said that this year was the best Halloween they've ever had. Of course, I invited them back for next year.

Two things: Serendipitous; annoying

Serendipitous-

On Sunday, I got up, knowing I needed Some Kind Of Plan for things to do all day with Helene that would keep her from moaning  and whining with much drama about recently imposed limits on iPad time. I remembered that there was a 1:35 Nationals game, and that her school had gotten a block of seats. I'd already missed out on the group tickets, but if I could just find out what section they were in, we could buy other cheap tickets and find the Capitol Hill Cluster School group - this late in the season, there would be plenty of empty seats around, and the ushers wouldn't care. I started texting and emailing a few people to see if they were going, and browsing the Nationals site for tickets. An email popped up on the school listserve - one of the librarians had two tickets for the game that she wanted to give to someone, as she couldn't go. I texted her immediately. The tickets were still available, and she lives just a few blocks from us. I'd said I'd be over in 10 minutes.

Ajax wanted to come, so we walked down the street (literally, down the street 4 blocks) to Ms. Bloom's house. She insisted that she didn't want any money for the tickets, since it was a special school fundraising deal. I introduced Ajax as one of her future students, and she said some really nice things about books that Helene and one of her classmates had made together last year during library time. I left with tickets in hand, and a smile, because this, THIS is why I love our school and our neighborhood. Teachers live in the neighborhood, have raised/are raising their own kids here, and they are truly part of our community.

We eventually got ready to go, and decided to take my bike with the trailer bike on it. Helene loves traveling this way. It's an easy ride from our house to Nats stadium, and they have a free valet bicycle parking lot that is one of the most awesome things ever. On our way there, we encountered several other cyclists with Nats gear on - adults, kids, another trailer bike. I recognized my friend Todd at the lead of the pack, and tucked in behind the last rider, making an impromptu bike caravan to the game. People stopped to look at our group of 6 bikes rolling in our own peleton to the stadium, and you just know they were envious. We reunited in the bike valet, said happy hellos, made introductions, piled our bikes all together in neighborhood camaraderie, and walked into the stadium together. Again, I thought THIS is why I love our neighborhood. Where else would I just randomly run into my friend, his family, and their friends (all Cluster School people) pedaling to the game too? Where else can you bike to an MLB game?

Seth & Helene showing off the trailer bike on a different day. This is for illustrative purposes since a lot of people have never seen one of these.

We fortified ourselves with popcorn, lemonade, and beer, and found our seats, blissfully in the shade on this still-summer day. The Nats kicked off the first with three quick runs against the Marlins. Around the top of the third, we spotted one of Helene's good friends, Sam, and his dad heading towards us. There was room for them to sit next to us, and the kids happily looked at programs, binoculars, and the jumbotron, while Sam's dad and I alternated food runs.

It was such a great day. Helene is old enough to really be interested in the game, and what the score is, and what's happening. I got to sit and drink beer and actually watch the game, and talk to my girl. She and Sam acted crazy to try to get on the jumbotron, and screamed with excitement when we saw one of their friends up on the screen. Sam's dad and I explained game rules. We ate all the ballpark food groups - hot dogs, popcorn, ice cream, Cracker Jack, fries, and stayed until the end to watch the Nats crush the Marlins 13-3. Then we happily wandered our way out of the stadium and cycled home. It really couldn't have been a better day; I felt like everything in the universe conspired in luck to give us that great day. Serendipity.

Annoying

I biked home from work last Wednesday, and walked into the house to the usual chaos of children hollering at me ("MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA!!!"), climbing my legs, asking a thousand things, all while I tried to just PUT ALL MY STUFF DOWN and talk to our nanny Janine about the day. Somewhere in here, I tried to just, you know, WALK THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM, and I stepped on a #$%!#$ toy diecast car (one of the fleet of thousands, it seems) and turned my ankle. "OW!" I yelled, slightly hurt, but mostly annoyed, and then I forgot all about it in the crazy sprint from getting home to dinner to baths to bed.

I got up to run at 6 the next morning as usual, and noticed during my run that my ankle hurt a little. But not bad enough to stop. I got annoyed again, and pissed off about being 42 and everything just falling the fuck apart. I've been struggling to get over a weird foot injury that is probably a tear to the plantar fascia (soft tissue in the heel area), and I just assumed the ankle was some offshoot of that, and grumble grumble, pain is weakness leaving the body, still ran my 4+ miles. (Yes, I had completely forgotten about stepping on the toy car.)

Later that day, my ankle REALLY hurt; now I was seriously gimping around, and I could not figure out why. What the hell? It finally dawned on me Thursday night that I had rolled my ankle on the car the day before. And then run 4 miles on it. Ohhh. Yeah. That would be why it HURTS.

Now, normal people would rest the ankle, blah blah blah. But I have a short relay race on Sunday 9/27 that I committed to months ago, and I am NOT bailing on this race and my team of friends. This is supposed to be FUN, and I WANT TO, and I am GOING TO DO IT IF IT KILLS ME. I tried to run on Sunday. Made it 1/2 a block, my body going "DANGER DANGER YOU CANNOT RUN THROUGH THIS ONE." Ordered all the tape and ankle braces on Amazon. Tried to run on Tuesday, with an ankle wrap. Made it maybe 1/4 of a block. Decided on a strategy of keeping my ankle wrapped/taped/braced/not hurting and not running at all until the race on Sunday. Then, on Sunday, I shall (1) kinesio tape my ankle; (2) put on compression socks; (3) put on this ankle brace and lace that bad boy up as snug as it'll go without cutting off circulation; (4) take a whole bunch of Tylenol about 30 minutes before I run; (5) run 4.5 miles; (6) try not to die; (7) drink a beer after the race and possibly shove my whole damn right foot into the ice in the beer cooler.

This is probably a bad idea. But the REAL lesson learned here folks is this one: CHILDREN ARE DANGEROUS. (I am so goddamn annoyed at this stupid injury and being felled by a toy car.)

Summer

Yesterday was Labor Day, one of the traditional bookends of summer. I wanted it to be a little more glorious, a little more right, a little more juicy, going out with a bang. It's one the last days our pool is open, and they have a few special things for all the kids - a huge bouncy house waterslide, diving for quarters (wading for rubber duckies for the littlest kids), cotton candy. The weather was glorious - hot enough for the pool, but not too humid, blazing blue sky, a few pure white clouds billowing harmlessly by.

We got there shortly after the pool opened at 11, hoping to get in some quality time before it got crowded, and before Ajax wore completely out. It started out well, with me and Helene playing in the pool, as I watched her do cannonballs and swim underwater, while Seth and Ajax played on the playground for a bit.

Then Ajax started loudly demanding a popsicle before we'd had lunch, and he refused to get in the water. I bribed him to eat with snack bar fries, and spent too much time keeping him from running off. I finally convinced him to get in the pool with the promise of a popsicle at the next break. Then Helene was upset that there were no fudgesicles in the cooler, and stomped around, unhappy with the other choices. She finally found an Astro pop, and the three of us had a momentarily sweet time eating popsicles and and ice cream sandwich (me - hey, I might not get one until next summer). Then it was time for the young kids to dive for quarters in the shallow part of the big pool. Helene didn't get in at the very first second to scramble for quarters, and was extremely upset that she only got two quarters, while a friend got five. She sobbed and asked to go home. At the same moment she was begging to go home, Ajax was finally having fun playing in the toddler pool. I was sitting on the edge of the cool, blue water while Helene cried, and it was a glorious summer day, and Katy Perry's "Firework" was playing over the pool loudspeaker, the kind of song you exactly want to hear on a great pool day, and I thought, isn't there any way to redeem this day, any way for me to bask in this one last day of summer?

And really, there wasn't. Helene remained despondent, curling in a ball on the chaise under her towel. The whistle blew for the next swim break, and I realized both kids might not be completely over a virus that felled them on Thursday, and damn, my throat hurts and I'm tired. So we left, rolling out just as some of our friends were arriving. both kids falling asleep in the car in minutes.

Seth volunteered to sit in the car with the sleeping kids, so I went inside the house, showered, ran a load of pool laundry, emptied out all the pool tote bags, stowing the goggles and sunscreen, and stashing the bags in a closet until next summer.

Helene and I watched Brave and ate popcorn. We tried to keep Ajax from destroying everything in the house, and endured Helene complaining about having used up all her iPad time and that she was SO BORED.

 I wanted today, this near to last glorious summer day, to be better. I wanted it to last longer. I wanted to be outside under that sun-drenched sky, watching my kids in the blue water, feeling the 20-something Katy Perry emotion. More, better, more, longer. I feel like my whole summer was longing for ever more. Like we didn't do quite enough - not enough time outside, not enough time at the beach, not enough pool weekends, not enough al fresco dining, not enough walking to get ice cream, not enough peaches or watermelon or caprese salad. What would it take to feel like enough?

Ajax is still kind of hard and labor intensive. He's still a toddler, with all the impulse and energy and little moderation. He still needs a nap. I keep thinking, next summer, when he doesn't need a nap, when he's toilet trained, when he's not so crazy. Helene by herself is usually great - six is such a fun age for so many things. Today wasn't typical, and I have to remember that. But why did her moodiness have to be today, this last day? Why couldn't it have been a month ago, when we still had weeks of pool time left?

I just wanted more, better, from this day. I'm trying not to let disappointment drag me down, as I feel the melancholy of the impending season change coming.

I went through all my photos of this summer, and posted some of my favorites below, to try to remember all that we did do, even as I still long for more. More of all that, please. More.

 

 

The one that's pretty much all about running

So. If you are bored out of your skull by people talking about running, you might want to skip this one.

I mentioned in my last post that I've been running again, quite a bit. It's like now that I'm back in decent shape, and I CAN run, I don't want to stop. Like, not ever. Like I want to be this amazing 91-year old woman who recently completed the San Diego marathon.

What was driving my running before was to get in good shape before embarking on the next phase of reconstructive surgery on my scalp. (If you're new here, this explains my runner-car accident in December 2014 and what happened to my scalp). Everything is healed up fine, but I have some not-small bald patches on my head that will have to be repaired/restored by going through a tissue expansion/tissue rearrangement process on my scalp. The whole process is long, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and very painful at times. But I can't go through the rest of my life looking like a Golden Retriever with mange, so this is what it is. I was originally contemplating getting the first surgery, the insertion of tissue expanders, within the next two weeks. It's been like threading a needle, trying to fit this process in with everything else in my life - work, vacations, kids starting new schools, birthdays, holidays, etc. etc. etc. There were form problems, and scheduling snafus, and I don't even know, and it became clear that the best thing to do was put this process off until January.

Earlier this year, I wanted to get these surgeries done ASAP, wanted it over with, couldn't bear the thought of waiting all the way until January. I'd wedge them into my life somehow. But now, the waiting doesn't seem so bad, because I'm fit again, getting fitter all the time, and I just freed up the rest of my 2015 for all the running miles and all the fun. I'm not worried about whether I'll be able to go to the pool, go on vacation, be healed up for Helene's birthday, for Hannukah, Christmas, Ajax's birthday. A stay of execution.

I've said for a long time that running is my sanity. I always feel better after a run. That has been even more true this year, when I couldn't wait to start again, couldn't wait for my legs to be healed enough and strong enough to get out there again. I love running all over again, because I CAN, because it makes me feel strong, because it makes me stronger, because it combats stress and the lingering PTSD symptoms from the accident, because it's fun, because it gives me something to do, something to achieve, because it brings me peace.

I'm in a Facebook running group called the 1K Wonders. The goal is to run 1000 miles or 1000 kilometers in a year. If you run 3 miles every day, you can get to 1000 miles. When you break it down like that, it seems achievable. I was so sad in January, when this group started, and I was still non-weight bearing on my left leg, and so envious of everyone out running. When I was allowed to start running again in March, I started posting my first one-mile runs, and got so much positive feedback from this group. I just knew they got it.

I find it hard to be around some groups of people or talk about the accident with them. Mostly, I don't want to talk about it at all. My work colleagues are the hardest for me to talk to or be around. I've realized I am still angry at myself for the accident, and I am also terribly embarrassed. I went for a run during work hours, trying to get it in before a meeting, and I missed that meeting because of the accident. I feel like I was cheating, or playing hookey, or doing something just bad, and look, I messed up, I got caught out, I got punished. I'm just so embarrassed at being too stupid to not get hit by a car, making people worry, at not putting my meeting before my run. If I had just done some [intangible thing], this wouldn't have happened. So, I hate when my work colleagues talk to me about it. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'M FINE, please don't mention it, please. I'm surely healthier and stronger and fitter than you, so please, shut up.

Not all of my work colleagues - there are certain people I'm closer to that I don't mind talking to. See, I work in the railroad industry, working to make it safer. There are a thousand ways to get injured or killed in railroading. You have to be constantly vigilant, constantly aware of your situation, to maintain safety for yourself and the people around you. Many of my colleagues started out as railroaders, as engineers, conductors, carmen. They've seen awful things. Their careers at my agency have involved responding to and investigating rail accidents. Sometimes, they are the first ones on the scene. Sometimes, horrific things have happened, and people are dead. My colleagues go to work every day to prevent horror and injury and death, and it devastates them every time a terrible accident happens. Sometimes, an accident happens because a railroad worker simply loses situational awareness. He or she thinks that dangerous curve has already passed, and speeds up the train. I should have looked left one more time before I stepped into that street. been aware of that car coming on through the intersection. I should have been more situationally aware. For some reason, these friends and colleagues, who look terrible wrecks in the eye, them I can talk to, them I don't mind asking how I am.

And my running friends, I can tell them. I can just mention the accident, my head, in context, and they understand. They understand that I lived all of our worst fears. They understand why I had to get back out and run.

I knew I could never get to 1000 miles, and probably not 1000K, with head surgery involved. But now, now, 1000K might be achievable. If I can average 3 miles per day for the rest of the year, I can get pretty darn close, and maybe even just do it.

This thrills me to no end. I'm logging my miles, planning my miles, entering races again. I juist signed up for the Dirty Damsel race in Maryland in October. It will be my first trail race. I'm doing the 10K, because a half marathon for my first trail race seems a hair ambitious just now. But I need these goals, more reasons to get up in the morning and pound out those miles at the dawn of my day. I love planning for races again. 

A few days ago, I almost passed out from nerd overload when I discovered that there is an online Hogwarts Running Club. I am deep into my annual re-read of the Harry Potter series (just bought the e-books - life changing!), wishing as ever that I could go to Hogwarts. So I am loving this running-Harry Potter mashup that is the Hogwarts Running Club. I went on Pottermore to get properly sorted into a house - I wasn't going to cheat and just join Gryffindor. And yay! I got sorted into Gryffindor! So, the way it works right now is that you can register for some virtual races through the HRC website, and you can also log your daily miles and donate money to charity by doing so via the Charity Miles app and website. And beat Slytherin! Of course, there are Facebook pages for each Hogwarts House running group, and it's all so fabulous and nerdy and fun, and I'm having so much fun.

I needed this. I needed this direction, this obsession, this outlet. I check my Runkeeper stats all the time, plan my runs, ice things that hurt, research exercises to keep rebuilding my muscles and help my sore knees, take supplements, take Advil, obsess about socks and shorts, and GPS accuracy, and I get sweaty and happy and feel stronger and faster all the time. I've logged 151.6 miles so far this year; to get to 1000K, I need a total of 621 miles. I don't know if I can get there, but I'm damn sure gonna try.

Seven, no eight, quick takes

Oh, hey there. Yeah, I write here sometimes. There was a hiatus. That's how exhausted I was from Disney. Joking. Sort of. Life has been busy and mostly good, but there are still Many Feelings about lots of things, and some were kind of dark and tangled and raw and not ready for posting here. Anyhow.

1. I'm running again. Quite a bit. I'm addicted to running all over again. Many circumstances have turned me into an early morning runner, and I love it. I love being out when it's cooler, and there's not much traffic, and only a few runners and dog walkers. I love being done and having my miles logged before everyone else starts their day. (Frankly, I'm a little smug about it. I ran 3.5 miles! What did you do before 7:30 am?) I'd probably go even earlier and more often if it were easier to drag Seth out of bed to keep Ajax from destroying the house. But sweetie is not a morning person. I log my miles on Runkeeper (hey, friend me on there if you want!), and also post on a Facebook group, the 1K Wonders. I'm signed up for a 1-day, 6 leg, 6 person relay in September, and I want to be as fit as I can for that. Even after I'm done with my run for the day, I'm still hungry for more miles. It makes me feel strong.

2. The other reason I'm trying so hard to be strong and fit is so that I can be in the best possible shape for the upcoming surgeries on my head. They're coming soon. Too soon. Not soon enough. I hate having them loom darkly overhead, but I want to get them the fuck over with as well. Tentative date for inserting tissue expanders is July 20 or 27. Then 8 or 10 or so weeks later is the big, bad, ugly tissue rearrangement. Here are the worst parts for me: (1) the immediate pre-surgery prep. The anticipation is sickening and awful. The IV hurts like a bitch when they put it in. I wish I could be drunk or drugged or something already when I get to the hospital, just so I don't fucking care. (2) Leaving my kids, my family, my home for a night or more. First surgery will have an overnight stay, second one probably more than one night, for pain management. It kills me to leave Helene and Ajax and not be there for them, not be there to help Seth, not be in my own house, my own bed. (3) The recovery time during which I won't be able to run, when I'll feel hurt and weak. (4) The miserably long time that I'm going to have to wait to do anything with my hair. I'm getting the ends cut soon, and then I won't be able to do anything at all for months and months. Someday, when all the surgeried/shaved bits grow out, maybe I'll get it all cut short. I don't know. I hate not knowing.

3. I've been a hair obsessed with new running gear, since I'm running all the time. New shorts, shirts, bras, socks, & headbands are entering the house. Running socks have come a long way. I love that I can now get bright pink ones.

4. Let's talk about fitness headbands. Whether you need to cover hideous bald spots (like me) or just need a great headband to tame your hair and stay in place for whatever your workout is, the Lululemon headbands win. I have bought All The Headbands in the last several months. Amazon, Etsy, sports stores, yoga stores. I have bought them all. I've bought three different styles from Lululemon, and they all rock. Honorable mention does go to Greecie Girl headbands on Etsy.

5. Helene graduated from kindergarten. This year was not everything I wanted out of kindergarten. There were extenuating circumstances: she had a teacher (Ms. P) who was new to the school and to DC Public Schools (but a 20+ year teaching vet). Ms. P also got very ill early in the school year with viral meningitis. I think that illness triggered other health issues, and the teacher was just absent a lot, including at least a solid month with viral meningitis and related issues. The assistant teacher they started out with, Mr. M, was beloved by the kids, but did not get along with Ms. P. So they moved Mr. M to a different class, and had an endless string of subs until the last two months of school, when a "permanent" assistant was assigned to the class. Ms. P seemed overwhelmed by everything and seemed unable to manage, control, and discipline the class, which had a couple of kids in it with special behavioral and learning issues. I had eyewitness accounts from the other class parent, who had similar frustrations to ours. We got emails and notes about Helene's bad behavior, and we'd find out later that she was not the only kid involved (as the notes seemed to indicate) and that she had co-conspirators. Helene was one of 3 kids in the most advanced reading group, and she complained that Ms. P never spent time with their group, but was always with the other, less proficient groups. I thought, really, already, this is a problem already? I have a bright kid. If she's bored, she misbehaves, as would most kids. Kindergarten was also shockingly academic (hello Common Core!). I'm not looking forward to the potential years of standardized testing ahead, and am hoping our school will opt out in some way. And at the end of the year, yet another batch of families left our school system for a charter or a private school (even though our schools are good) which just makes me sad. Yeah. Kindergarten was not my favorite. I really, really hope first grade is better. We want so much to be committed to our neighborhood school, because it is good! We don't want to leave! I'm chalking this year up as "new teacher issues." We've met all the first grade teachers and were very impressed at their energy and articulate expression. Fingers crossed.

First & last days of kindergarten.

6. My baby boy Ajax is starting part time preschool in September. MY BABY BOY! He'll be going three mornings a week to a Jewish-oriented private/co-op preschool. It seems outstanding, and has gotten rave reviews from many friends. As part of the co-op, one of us will be in his class for one morning a month. Yay! The FORMS however, to get cleared to be in the class one morning a month, are crazy. Three sorts of background checks, CPR class, health form (I have to find a new primary care doctor so I can get it filled out. Whee!), and that's just US. Not even Ajax. More forms for him! School = death by form.

Ajax & two of his friends at the park. He looks kinda ready, doesn't he?

7. Our beloved, amazing, wonderful nanny Janine will be leaving us in the fall to go to nursing school full time. I can barely think about this. I was so hoping she could be with us until Ajax goes to our neighborhood public school in fall 2016 (we have public preschool here in DC, so he starts at age 3). So we need to find someone for one year. It's so exhausting, and disheartening, and hard. I think I am just going to have to realize we won't find someone as exceptional as Janine. She does things I can't expect of everyone, like drive Ajax to our pool, and play with him there all day. But she has to get on with her life, and go be a nurse, and not be a nanny forever. Our comfort level with her is so high. Part of it is that I am going to be at home all the time for several months, with all the procedures on my head. It's going to be unsightly and uncomfortable, so I'm working at home for the duration. I wish I didn't have to get used to someone new in my house all over again. I wish Janine could stay.

8. I'm tacking this one on, because I've been thinking about it a lot. I think I'm done running with headphones. I used to be a "OMG CANNOT RUN WITHOUT HEADPHONES" person. I hated hearing my own breathing, and I needed the music to distract me from the effort of running. Since the accident, I've been struggling with my headphones. I don't think having them on that day contributed to the accident, but a nagging voice says what if they did? I get heart-poundingly terrified to cross streets at least half the time. I no longer believe cars will stop at lights or stop signs. I hesitate, look 10 times across all the streets, even when there's no traffic near. Engine noises a block away make me jump. I see other runners, walkers, drivers, cyclists doing stupid, stupid things that also upset me and make my heart pound. Armchair psychiatry says I have a mild case of PTSD. Duh. So remember how on the West Wing, after Josh was shot, he couldn't stand listening to music and would lose his shit because it sounded like sirens to his brain? I tried running without headphones last week, and I was like 40% more relaxed. I think it was just too much noise, and I still ran with music because I always ran with music, but I don't need it or want it any more. My senses want to be attuned to everything around me, with no distractions. My brain has enough going on without that overlay. If I'm ever training for a longer race, and logging lots of miles on street-free paths or trails, maybe I'll want music again. Until then, I've found unexpected peace in running without it.