That mortal coil

I've been in an age-related panic recently, from moment to moment. Because, for the love of god, I am going to be thirty-effing-NINE tomorrow. That's almost (barely whispers) forty. Fuck me. This does, in fact, keep me awake at night, breathless, pushing my feet against the mattress, trying to find the brake pedal for the moments that insist on slipping by, effortlessly, water pouring by in a river.

***

I am going to be so old when my daughter graduates from high school, goes to college, gets married. I refuse to be tired and old, though. I refuse.

Here's what spurred me on the treadmill the other morning: (a) Last Friday Night, which I am probably too old to listen to, and (b) the sudden thought that I want to be full of verve and energy and dancing like a fiend at my daughter's wedding. I am going to disco and tango and hora, and make her dreadfully embarassed and laughingly proud. I've got to keep running, keep moving, keep going.

***

Suddenly, I am trying to get pregnant again. Am I too old to get pregnant again? God, I should have started sooner. Why didn't I think of this before? Why? Breathe. Breathe. It will all work out. You can get pregnant. You can. You will. Even if you don't, you have Helene, you have her, in all her amazingness. It will be okay.

I'm starting acupuncture today, for...fertility, pregnancy, well-being....everything.

***

My stupid eyes. My eyes. God. They're awful. You think you're nearsighted? Oh no, you are not. I have you beat, I guarantee it. I've just had an awful time recently with dry eyes, due to the thick contact lenses I wear, the only brand I can wear, with a prescription this strong. And then I got pinkeye. PINKEYE. Which I haven't had since I was a little kid - younger than 10. I want eye surgery, an implantable contact lens. I want it so badly. But it costs up to $5000 per eye. And it's surgery. That they can't do when you're pregnant or nursing. I have to be done with that first, before I can even consider this. Which means eyedrops and sometimes, vision like someone smeared Vaseline on a window, and coke bottle glasses that just make my head hurt if I wear them too much, all of that for some unknown length of time. 

I worry terribly about my vision. If it's this bad now, what is it going to be like in 20 years? It terrifies me down to my bones. I block it out, don't think about it, except when something is wrong.

***

On the bright side, I am about 10 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant with Helene. Huh. I'll take it. Even though it's most likely the result of two absolutely godawful cold viruses this winter which took away my appetite for two weeks each time. Children. Germs. God. Do I really want another one?

 ***

A friend of my father's recently sent me the most amazing letter. He celebrated his 80th birthday by skydiving. THAT is how you turn 80, people.

I'm halfway there.

Not so bad for an old lady, right? JUST SAY YES.

Comments

[A'Dell]

Oh my stars! I somehow missed your BIRTHDAY! And somehow you were misfiled in my reader and I missed the past TWO POSTS (but do not worry I have solved that error).

Happy (belated) Birthday! And Lord, 39 is not old. PLEASE. It's not too old for anything. You tell me when the 60-year-old ladies stop having babies and maybe then we'll get concerned about 39.

I worry about my vision, too. I had this trio of great aunts that all had macular degeneration and they could not see hardly ANYTHING and it's a hereditary thing and my contact prescription is already at -7, how much worse can it get before they can't fix it??? Ugh. I've been in glasses since the first grade.

[Infertility Clinics]

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